The REAL Night Before Christmas

Discussion in 'Talkback' started by TexasClodhopper, Dec 8, 2011.

  1. TexasClodhopper

    TexasClodhopper Senior Member

    The REAL Night Before Christmas
    (By Parents)

    'Twas the night before Christmas
    when all through the house
    I searched for the tools
    to hand to my spouse

    Instructions were studied
    and we were inspired,
    in hopes we could manage
    "Some Assembly Required."

    The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
    while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
    a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
    And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

    We opened the boxes,
    my heart skipped a beat -
    let no parts be missing
    or parts incomplete!

    Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
    if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
    When what to my worrying eyes should appear
    but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

    With each part numbered and every slot named,
    so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
    More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
    all over the carpet they were scattered about.

    "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
    Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
    Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
    "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

    And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
    that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
    to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
    with "assembly required" till morning's first light.

    We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
    till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
    The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
    before we attached the last rod and last pin.

    Then laying the tools away in the chest,
    we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
    But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
    "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

    Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
    and not run to the store for one single thing!
    We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
    for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"

    Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
    I gratefully went, though I suppose
    there's something to say for those self-deluded-
    I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
  2. TexasClodhopper

    TexasClodhopper Senior Member

    Politically Correct Santa

    'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck ...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

    And labour conditions at the North Pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

    And equal employment had made it quite clear
    That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

    The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
    The ruts were termed dangerous by the F.A.A.
    And people had started to call for the cops
    When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.

    Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
    His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
    And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.

    So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
    Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
    Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
    Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

    And as for the gifts, why, he'd never a notion
    That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
    Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

    Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
    Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

    And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
    Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
    For they raised the hackles of those psychological
    Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

    Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
    And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
    So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
    He just could not figure out what to do next.

    He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
    But you've got to be careful with that word today.
    His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
    Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

    Something special was needed, a gift that he might
    Give to all without angering the left or the right.
    A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
    Each group of people, every religion;

    Every ethnicity, every hue,
    Everyone, everywhere...even YOU.
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

    "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
  3. Triple E

    Triple E Senior Member

    Merry Christmas Paul to you and your.
  4. big bilko

    big bilko Senior Member

    merry christmas and a happy new year to all big bilko@ kaye.:)
  5. TexasClodhopper

    TexasClodhopper Senior Member

    The 4 stages of man

    He believes in Santa Claus.

    He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

    He is Santa Claus.

    He looks like Santa Claus.
    View attachment 167

    Attached Files:

  6. rjf7g

    rjf7g Senior Member

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
  7. try2findus

    try2findus Senior Member

    Cajun Night Before Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas, an' all t'ru de house,
    Dey don't a t'ing pass, not even a mouse.

    De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo',
    An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'.

    Den Mama in de fireplace done roas' us de ham,
    Stir up de gumbo, an' make de baked yam.

    Den out on de bayou dey got such a clatter... Make soun' like old Boudreaux done fall off his ladder.

    I run like a rabbit to got to de do'... Trip over de dawg an' fall on de flo'!

    As I look out de do' in de light o' de moon, I t'ink, "Manh, you crazy, or got ole too soon."

    Cuz dere on de bayou when I stretch ma' neck stiff... Dere's eight alligator a-pullin' de skiff...
    An' a little fat drover wit' a lone polein' stick... I know r'at away got to be ole St. Nick.

    Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de 'gator dey came. He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name:
    "Ha, Gaston!
    Ha, Tiboy!
    Ha, Pierre an' Alcee!
    Gee, Ninette!
    Gee, Suzette!
    Celeste an' Renee!"

    To de top o' de porch dem ole 'gator clime! Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'.

    Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail When all dem big 'gator done sot down dey tail!

    Den down de chimney he fell wit' a bam... An' St. Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam!

    "SACRE!" he axclaim "Ma pant got a hole. I done sot mase'f on dem red hot coal!"

    He got on his foots an' jump like a cat... Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT!

    He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot.

    A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back. He look like a burglar, an' dass fo' a fack!

    His eyes how dey shine...his dimple, how merry! Maybe he been drink de wine from blackberry!

    His cheek was like rose...his nose like a cherry... On secon' tought maybe he lap up de sherry!

    Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly, He shook when he laugh like de stromberry jelly!

    But a wink in his' a shook o' his head... Make my confidance dat I soon got to be scared.

    He don' do no talkin'...gone straight to his work... Put playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk!

    He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head, He cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said: "Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame... Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came."

    So he run out de do' an' he clime to de roof... He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof.

    He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip. De 'gator move down an' don' make one slip.

    An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go: "Marry C'rismas to all...till I saw you some mo'!"
  8. H2H1

    H2H1 Senior Member

    now where did I read that from?? very good Jeanie. Merry Christmas and happy New Year
  9. akjimny

    akjimny Senior Member

    Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!!:):)
  10. Shadow

    Shadow Senior Member

    Merry Christmas everyone!
  11. H2H1

    H2H1 Senior Member

    Maria and I surely hope that every one has been very good this past year and Santa will come visit. Next year as we all look for the best place as stop our RV for a rest that we reflect back on the memories we have and look forward to new ones
    We hope to see everyone at the next M&G, WHERE EVER it may be, and new friendship is made and old broken one amend.

    God bless and
    Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
  12. brodavid

    brodavid Senior Member

    Merry Christmas to all
    and to all
    our love and prayers

    brodavid and family

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